After spending months googling "cervix position," "basal body thermometer," "irregular menstrual cycle."
After letting the internet sell me a saliva ferning microscope and ovulation predictor kit test strips.
After reading that Toni Weischler book cover-to-cover.
After holding my bladder an extra three minutes so I could temp before getting out of bed.
After becoming skillful with a vaginal speculum.
After staring and staring and staring at my charts.
After congratulating every other young lady in my "newly married" couples bible study.
After pretending I'm not jealous.
After strolling isles of the Babies 'R Consumers" store.
After creating my baby registry, and moving the due date back, and back, and back.
After two false alarms.
After six unpredictable cycles, and nine empty months.
After giving up on the layette set I had started.
After pushing back plans. Another month. Another month.
After working up the nerve to invite a friend out for coffee to discuss this.
I never wanted to join this group.
I never wanted to make a folder for this category in my feed reader.
I never wanted to decide who to share this with, and who not to.
I never wanted to inform myself about the religous perspectives of various treatments.
I got the referral today. Bloodwork, ultrasound, infertility clinic. Here we go.
Please, Lord. Please. You know my heart.