Saturday, December 29, 2007

I should be writing about my grandfather today. Saying good bye.

How do you say good bye to someone you didn't know? Someone who didn't want to know you? Someone who didn't want to be known? Someone who didn't want to be called Grandpa. Everything I know about him I learned from hearsay or from Google.

Google. I googled my grandfather the way you google an ex to see what they are up to. I Googled my grandfather's name to find stories about his accomplishments, his life.

How do you say good bye to someone you weren't free to say hello to?

Rest in peace, Google Grandpa grandfather.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

42 days

Dear God,

I am so tired. Do I do this to myself? I can't sleep. Or is it I don't sleep? I don't know.
Will I pass this on to my children? Is this genetic or am I causing my own exhaustion? My mind has always been my worst enemy.

It's always been my mind that betrays me, not my body. This is new and it's hard to take. I'm not pregnant. Again. Another false postive. This hurts. I'm ready, my body is not.

I don't want to learn the TTC acronyms. I don't want to read up on IF blogs.

I don't want to keep working on that layette for my friend's baby.

I don't want to bother my husband with all of this. He's got enough to deal with without worrying about babies that don't exist.

My cycle is long. I don't get 12 chances a year, I get 8. Eight opportunities to get it right. Eight is nice, but they are so far apart. I can accept that it's not gonna be this cycle, Its the waiting that is getting to me. Now I have to wait til the next one. 42 days later.

I should be gracious. 42 days to do something other than be pregnant. But. What. Else. Is. There?

get a side job (stay busy!)
do craft stuff
decorate for Christmas
clean the house

I need to get over the fact that "I was supposed to be pregnant by now." I finished school on my schedule, I married on my own timeline, bought a car, paid off my loans, all according to plan.

I need a new plan. Something to do this year other than "get pregnant." Something to do for those other 42 days.