Tuesday, December 4, 2007

42 days

Dear God,

I am so tired. Do I do this to myself? I can't sleep. Or is it I don't sleep? I don't know.
Will I pass this on to my children? Is this genetic or am I causing my own exhaustion? My mind has always been my worst enemy.

It's always been my mind that betrays me, not my body. This is new and it's hard to take. I'm not pregnant. Again. Another false postive. This hurts. I'm ready, my body is not.

I don't want to learn the TTC acronyms. I don't want to read up on IF blogs.

I don't want to keep working on that layette for my friend's baby.

I don't want to bother my husband with all of this. He's got enough to deal with without worrying about babies that don't exist.

My cycle is long. I don't get 12 chances a year, I get 8. Eight opportunities to get it right. Eight is nice, but they are so far apart. I can accept that it's not gonna be this cycle, Its the waiting that is getting to me. Now I have to wait til the next one. 42 days later.

I should be gracious. 42 days to do something other than be pregnant. But. What. Else. Is. There?

get a side job (stay busy!)
do craft stuff
decorate for Christmas
clean the house

I need to get over the fact that "I was supposed to be pregnant by now." I finished school on my schedule, I married on my own timeline, bought a car, paid off my loans, all according to plan.

I need a new plan. Something to do this year other than "get pregnant." Something to do for those other 42 days.

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