Day 273. The Referal.

After spending months googling "cervix position," "basal body thermometer," "irregular menstrual cycle."
After letting the internet sell me a saliva ferning microscope and ovulation predictor kit test strips.
After reading that Toni Weischler book cover-to-cover.
After holding my bladder an extra three minutes so I could temp before getting out of bed.
After becoming skillful with a vaginal speculum.
After staring and staring and staring at my charts.

After congratulating every other young lady in my "newly married" couples bible study.
After pretending I'm not jealous.
After strolling isles of the Babies 'R Consumers" store.
After creating my baby registry, and moving the due date back, and back, and back.

After two false alarms.
After six unpredictable cycles, and nine empty months.
After giving up on the layette set I had started.
After pushing back plans. Another month. Another month.
After working up the nerve to invite a friend out for coffee to discuss this.

I never wanted to join this group.
I never wanted to make a folder for this category in my feed reader.
I never wanted to decide who to share this with, and who not to.
I never wanted to inform myself about the religous perspectives of various treatments.

I got the referral today. Bloodwork, ultrasound, infertility clinic. Here we go.

Please, Lord. Please. You know my heart.

Suddenly Old

::Bleaching out my brain::

SuddenlyOld1: Hey SweetKid, if it's not raining, do you want to go horseback riding with me on Saturday?
1SweetLilKid: OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!
1SweetLilKid: i would love to
SuddenlyOld1: how early you get up?
SuddenlyOld1: /do you have dance?
1SweetLilKid: yea but i can leave early if i need to
SuddenlyOld1: what time are you done? cuz you dance in OverThere and the place to ride is OverHere.
1SweetLilKid: oo wow umm it ends at 1 but u can pick me up a half hour early
SuddenlyOld1: shoot.
SuddenlyOld1: the place rents horses from 9-3.
1SweetLilKid: darn thats not fair
SuddenlyOld1: well. let me know next time you're off dance, and we'll go.
1SweetLilKid: kk i would skip but were goin to competition in febuary
1SweetLilKid: u can cum if u can
SuddenlyOld1: ...
SuddenlyOld1: SWEETKID. DO NOT SPELL "CUM"
SuddenlyOld1: OMG. just don't.
SuddenlyOld1: c-o-m-e is very different than cum, and you're not supposed to be old enough to know what that means, so don't type it.
1SweetLilKid: lol ok i wont im sorry
1SweetLilKid: ummm im scared to find out now
SuddenlyOld1: um.
SuddenlyOld1: aaaaaaaaaaaaanywaaaaaay


When did that baby girl start text messaging like a bonefide teenager?
When did I become the "I'll wash your mouth out with soap" lady?

100 New Year's Resolutions

Mindy put up an uberlist of resolutions last year, and then revisited it again this year. I never make a New Year's resolution, because I don't keep them, but her list intriqued me. Also the fact that she's not flogging herself for achieving 1/3 of the list.

I'm lazy, so I'm swiping it.

1. BEAUTY: get a hair cut every 6 weeks. I didn't think it was that bad until I had to search the hardrive for a photo and couldn't find ONE with a fresh hair cut.
2. BEAUTY: get eyebrows waxed as often as I get a hair cut.
3. BEAUTY: spend more time putting on accesories in the morning
4. BEAUTY: shave legs more often
5. BOOKS: delete or buy the books that have been sitting in my amazon wishlist
6. BOOKS: finish the pile of books I asked for and got for Christmas
7. BOOKS: get a library card for the town we live in now.
8. BOOKS: use some of the cookbooks I already have.
9. BOOKS: ask friends for good books
10. BOOKS: donate/ebay the piles of books we're done with
11. BLOG: update blog at least once a week
12. BLOG: work on redesigning site
13. BLOG: meet a fellow blogger in real life
14. BLOG: participate in NaBloPoMo again
15. BLOG: comment more on other people’s blogs
16. BLOG: stop losing my blogging voice, and just write
17. CREATE: do a felted mat for the dog
18. CREATE: finish the layette that I gave up on when we didn't get pregnant on "my" calendar.
19. CREATE: finish the crochet blanket I started
20. CREATE: take a crochet class
21. CREATE: take a jewlery making class
22. CREATE: make jewlery that doesn't fall apart when worn
23. CREATE: take a cake decorating class
24. CREATE: bake more cakes
25. CREATE: thread crochet snowflakes in time for next christmas
26. ENVIRONMENT: haul bottles and cans to recycling center twice a month when grocery shopping
27. ENVIRONMENT: investigate cloth diapers
28. FRIENDS: Make friends with people who aren't just like me
29. FRIENDS: Learn to be friends with people older/younger than me
30. FRIENDS: Be available for friends 24/7
32. FRIENDS: Have someone over twice a month
33. HEALTH: limit soda consumption to once a week, I've done this before, it shouldn't be THAT hard.
34. HEALTH: stop gaining weight (178 lbs is the heaviest I've EVER been in my whole life), trying to lose weight just makes the situation worse.
35. HEALTH: sleep 7-8 hours EVERY NIGHT in 2008.
36. HEALTH: add pilates to my regular workout
37. HEALTH: make a serious effort to work out four times a week, add pilates
38. HEALTH: take a long walk at least twice a week
39. HEALTH: eat at least one fresh item of food at each meal
40. HEALTH: actually JOG
41. HEALTH: prepare a homemade meal at least twice a week
42. HOME: more vacuuming / less complaining about dirty floors
43. HOME: replace the couches that are as old as my husband with something cheap but comfortable.
44. HOME: set goal for saving for a downpayment, and STICK TO IT firmly this year.
45. HOME: clean back yard/patio too.
46. HOME: stop neglecting plants and fish
47. HOME: teach the dog to stay on her blanket (in her assigned space) on command
48. HOME: curb dog behavior problems with regular dog adventures
49. HOME: dog agility training
50. HOME: do more to keep the house clean during the week, so its not a disaster on Saturday
52. HOME: hang all hangable frames on the walls
53. HOME: put pictures in ALL of the empty picture frames I have laying around
54. HOME: establish cleaning schedule & stick to it
55. HOME: regular baths for the dog, to curb the shedding which dirties the floors
56. IMPROVEMENT: reconnect with floudering little brother
57. IMPROVEMENT: be more than just polite to certain family members
58. IMPROVEMENT: identify career goals
59. IMPROVEMENT: use degree
60. IMPROVEMENT: talk to career counselor
61. IMPROVEMENT: seriously tackle issues with my body / self-image
62. IMPROVEMENT: work on saying “no” when I really want to
63. IMPROVEMENT: spend less time feeling guilty about things beyond my control
64. IMPROVEMENT: spend more time fixing things that are in my control
65. LOVE: take at least four roadtrips
66. LOVE: go on a date at least once a month
67. LOVE: spend more time together (away from the tv and computers)
68. LOVE: no more slient treatment
69. MONEY: meet downpayment savings goal: 10% home price
70. MONEY: teach more classes, do it well
71. MONEY: start planning for retirement
72. MONEY: $6 budget for weekly coffee/goodies and stick to it.
73. MONEY: budget for and pay cash for Husband's new car
74. MONEY: pack lunches, stick to $15/week eating lunch out
75. MONEY: take a realistic look at disposable income, and find out where our money is going
76. MONEY: add at least $xxxx.xx to savings
77. MONEY: save $ for Christmas & stick to gift-giving budget
78. SPIRITUAL: spend more time in prayer
79. SPIRITUAL:get used to the church we have chosen
80. SPIRITUAL: let my light shine brighter
81. SPIRITUAL: try to appreciate good values in people that really get on my nerves
82. SPIRITUAL: spend more time reading books that enrich my spiritual life
83. TRAVEL: plan four roadtrips
84. TRAVEL: New York
85. TRAVEL: San Diego
86. TRAVEL: Santa Barbara
87. TRAVEL: Somewhere cheaper than New York, San Diego, and Santa Barbara
88. TRAVEL: Figure out why I don't like traveling and get over it
89. TRAVEL: Visit inlaws
90. VOLUNTEER: help with student clubs at work
91. VOLUNTEER: find a ministry that I can serve in comfortably
92. VOLUNTEER: give blood every time a blood drive is held
93. VOLUNTEER: babysit and dogsit. Remember that its FUN!
94. VOLUNTEER: write at least 3 letters to sponsored child in Chile
95. VOLUNTEER: play with horses
96. WISHING: laser skin treatment
97. WISHING: a place with a fireplace and a dishwasher
98. WISHING: lose 20 pounds
99. WISHING: spend a week away from the computer
100.WISHING: get back to the spa
101.WISHING: host a party
102.WISHING: hire a housekeeper to come once a month
103.WISHING: visit New York for a fun weekend

1/3 Of this list is a success. We'll see in 2009.

I should be writing about my grandfather today. Saying good bye.



How do you say good bye to someone you didn't know? Someone who didn't want to know you? Someone who didn't want to be known? Someone who didn't want to be called Grandpa. Everything I know about him I learned from hearsay or from Google.

Google. I googled my grandfather the way you google an ex to see what they are up to. I Googled my grandfather's name to find stories about his accomplishments, his life.

How do you say good bye to someone you weren't free to say hello to?

Rest in peace, Google Grandpa grandfather.

42 days

Dear God,

I am so tired. Do I do this to myself? I can't sleep. Or is it I don't sleep? I don't know.
Will I pass this on to my children? Is this genetic or am I causing my own exhaustion? My mind has always been my worst enemy.

It's always been my mind that betrays me, not my body. This is new and it's hard to take. I'm not pregnant. Again. Another false postive. This hurts. I'm ready, my body is not.

I don't want to learn the TTC acronyms. I don't want to read up on IF blogs.

I don't want to keep working on that layette for my friend's baby.

I don't want to bother my husband with all of this. He's got enough to deal with without worrying about babies that don't exist.

My cycle is long. I don't get 12 chances a year, I get 8. Eight opportunities to get it right. Eight is nice, but they are so far apart. I can accept that it's not gonna be this cycle, Its the waiting that is getting to me. Now I have to wait til the next one. 42 days later.

I should be gracious. 42 days to do something other than be pregnant. But. What. Else. Is. There?

work
get a side job (stay busy!)
do craft stuff
decorate for Christmas
redecorate
clean the house
walk

I need to get over the fact that "I was supposed to be pregnant by now." I finished school on my schedule, I married on my own timeline, bought a car, paid off my loans, all according to plan.

I need a new plan. Something to do this year other than "get pregnant." Something to do for those other 42 days.

Give Me Back My Voice!

Hello, and welcome!

I am a blogger. I love blogging. I have a personal blog with my name and face and a flickr account with photos attached. I have bloggy friends who cheer me on and do not judge me. I have an audience and get picked up by google for use of several keywords.

I can't blog there any more. That blog has become a place were my MIL, coworkers, and friends check up on me. I can't sit down to write what is on my mind, because I will be forever judged. That space has become a glorified meme-fest.

I have lost my voice.
I am taking back my tongue.

I'm so tired of keeping quiet about:

• The Things I Can Not Say At a Dinner Party.
• I'm trying to have a kid. - I need help, but I need my family to not bug me about it.
• My Mother Is Mentally Ill. She gets to own that and choose when she talks about it. I have to pretend it doesn't exist, so that she can have that control.
• I live daily with depression, insomnia and anxiety.
• I am a Christian. I am also too much of a coward to deal with that in public.
• I doubt my faith in God. Some days.
• I have an advanced degree that I am afraid to use.

I have a very supportive husband, who knows about this space, but has never seen it. I need this space to be for me.

I Am Not My Mother's Daughter

Crossposted at realmental.org

I am not my mother’s daughter.
My mother has been Bipolar since puberty. She’s allowed to say that in certain company. I am not.
I know that I’m not even allowed to say that Mommy reads the National Enquirer.
My mother got up one morning, having not woken up from her drunken nightmare state. She called her step mother and told her what she thought of her. My mommy would never do that. She doesn’t have the back bone for it.
My mommy came flying down the hall to my room to tell me that it was my responsibility to get my brother ready for school. And my brother’s best friend Isaac. I knew it was easier for my mommy to think that way, that my brother was my son too. Mommy couldn’t tell her husband from her brother. But why did my mother think that Isaac was my responsibility too?
“You had better be sweet to him, Daughter! Or he’s going to leave me and it will all be your fault.” My mommy was so desperate. My mother was so apathetic.
My mother has been Bipolar since puberty. She’s allowed to join a book group and write about it in her memoir. She’ll publish it when she retires, so she won’t be fired for what she’s written. I am not allowed to tell this story on the blog that has my name attached. I know that my space on my blog is not really my own. Mommy’s friends might read it.
The Truths I know will get us by. If the front yard is well manicured, then no one will see the Crazy barely contained just behind the front door. If we smile for every picture, then we have happy memories. Expensive straight teeth are the same as a smile. Do not ever let yourself go, self-control is beautiful. If I start to gain weight, then the world will know things are not ok at home.
If I plunge myself under water when I scream, then it’s ok to scream: “Things are not ok at home!” I can swim away, I can run away, but a lap just brings me back to who I am.
Who am I? A string of psychologists and psychiatrists have given me many labels and many pills. Some of them have made their determination of me based solely on my mother’s history. I am my mother’s daughter, I am obviously depressed, I must be bipolar too. Some of them will listen to me for an hour, mumble something about anxiety and push me out the door with a prescription sedative. “It’s for sleeping at night,” he says as he looks at me a little too gently “but you can take one any time you feel you need to.”
I do not feel that I need to take it during the day. I can get through the day just fine, just like my mother. It’s behind closed doors, when I try to slow down for a minute. I can’t slow down. I’m either moving or I’m sleeping. It’s that slowing down in between awake and asleep that frightens me so much. That is the place where I am overrun by guilt, shame, rage, self-doubt, panic, binge eating, and loneliness. Oh, The Loneliness.
Am I ok? I don’t know. I guess that’s why there are psychiatrists and psychologists. I’m in this new town, with this new husband, in a new hospital in a different city and a doctor. We have decided to create a new child of our own. My new doctor, who has met me once, believes that the sedative (which is Category C), is unnecessary while I’m trying to have a baby.
If I don’t need it during the day, then why am I so scared about not having it at night? Will I sound addicted, if I call up and beg for it? God forbid, I would sound crazy!
Do I get to say? Do I get to self-diagnose? I’ve lived with me a lot longer than any shrink who’s spent an hour looking at a file. Can I write down “PTSD/Anxiety/Prone to mild depression” in my file and call it that?
Am I more than who I am at my worst? Is my mother? Is my mommy?
I lived with my mother for years, so I could never explain to anyone why I missed my mommy. The sight of me always made my mother look tired, bored, disinterested. Everything I said was met with my mother’s sigh, or a jealous scream. My mommy was always happy to see me. My mommy was imperfect, needy, and a little bit spacey, but I never doubted that she loved me. Not for a minute.
I will never recover from the sadness of knowing that my mommy is gone, but in many ways, I can breath now because my mother is gone too. My mom is alive and well. Divorce looks good on her, so does a horse’s dose of Tegretol. Still, I can only say that out loud if I’m screaming under water. She is shining in the brightest years of her life. She can not contain her excitement at the thought of her first grandchild.
I am my mom’s daughter. I can’t wait for my first child either.